When it comes to significant turning points in political and cultural history, I consider myself a seasoned veteran.
I came of age (voting age, that is) in the immediate aftermath of 9/11. Terrorists lurked around every corner, secularism threatened to destroy our most revered institutions, and a problematic batch of hanging chads still haunted our collective consciousness. Those were uneasy times. It’s no wonder the authoritative voices around me declared the 2004 election the most important one they had ever lived through. Being the wide-eyed rookie voter that I was, I believed them, and I found it thrilling that I had arrived just in time to lend my voice. What were the odds of casting my first ballot at such a pivotal moment in American history?
Remarkably, just four years later, lightning struck yet again. Amidst an economic crisis and a heated debate about a certain candidate’s birth certificate, I had the opportunity – for the second time in my young life – to participate in an election that was billed as the defining moment of our generation. We weren’t just choosing a leader for the next 48 months; we were determining our destiny as a nation. Nothing could possibly eclipse the gravity of that decision at the polls.
Until four years later. And then four years after that. And – who could have seen this coming? – yet again four years after that.
Here I am just days away from participating in my sixth presidential election, and by some remarkable happenstance that no mathematical reasoning could explain nor could any probability model have predicted, it will be the sixth time that I am voting in the most important election of my lifetime. I’ve never known anything less. Every ballot I’ve ever cast has been do or die. Life or death. A bright future for America or a rapid plunge into lawlessness, poverty, and the end of our country as we know it.
Does that make me an expert in high stakes political decision-making? Well, yeah, of course it does. But luckily for you, I’m generous with my expertise. Rather than hoarding all the wisdom I’ve gleaned in 20 years of navigating elections of historic importance, I’m here to share the goods.
So settle in, buckle up, and let me bless you with a comprehensive set of voting principles that will help you exercise your civic responsibility in a way that honors the momentousness of the occasion before us. Prepare for a masterclass in electoral ethics. Never again will you perform an act as crucial as the one you’ll perform on November 5, but thanks to these simple rules, you can be confident you’ll get it right.
Rule #1: You don’t truly love America if you don’t hate your neighbor.
In any volatile political campaign at any level – presidential, congressional, or local school board – it’s absolutely vital that you lean into your most shameless and depraved tendencies. This is no time for weak human impulses such as empathy or a commitment to the common good. Instead, you must keep your eyes on the prize and cast your vote with total disregard for everyone else’s interests but your own.
As we all know, true patriotism is best expressed by spewing vitriol toward anyone and anything that makes you the slightest bit uncomfortable: immigrants, public school teachers, gun regulations, unplanned pregnancies, environmentalism, public libraries, Hollywood elites, LGBTQ youth. Oh, and did I mention immigrants?
Far too many Americans have been repressing their prejudice and xenophobia for far too long. An election, however, is the ideal time to let it all out. So pick an enemy that you can blame for all the problems in our country, and then get your butt to the polls and vote for the candidate who promises to make their lives a living hell. This is the American way.
Rule #2: Don’t be distracted by irrelevant data – like character or moral qualifications.
Does your preferred candidate have a problematic relationship with ethics? Are they burdened with pesky personal blemishes, such as a few dozen felony convictions or a self-professed penchant for sexual assault? That’s okay! Just take a cue from our country’s most vocal evangelical leaders, who frequently remind their followers that “we’re electing a president, not a pastor.” This is sage advice, and it allows you to completely ignore the moral shortcomings in a candidate that others might find troubling.
When you step back and look at the big picture beyond politics, many of our most successful leaders in business and industry have eschewed virtue and integrity altogether – with impressive results. Whether they’re launching world-changing social networking sites, launching high-tech rockets into space, or launching an endless stream of packages directly to your front door, they have proven again and again that leadership is not a matter of principles and values; it’s about pragmatism, opportunism, and a relentless drive to squash the competition. Why should it be any different at the highest levels of government?
Rule #3: The election only counts if your candidate wins.
As freedom-loving Americans, we are privileged to live in a country where we can choose our own leaders – unless you don’t like the leader that’s been chosen, in which case we are obviously cursed to live in a corrupt dystopia where the voting system is rigged and all the election officials are part of a massive conspiracy to silence the voice of the people. It all depends on the outcome, really.
Hopefully, you’ll vote for the candidate that comes out on top after this election. If so, you’ll want to waste little time in extolling the virtues of democracy and praising the general public for their good sense. This is what makes America such a glorious nation, chosen by God as a beacon of freedom among all the lesser countries throughout the world.
But you need to be prepared for the alternative. What if, after all the swing states have reported their votes and the red-and-blue map has taken its final shape, your news network of choice starts trying to convince you that the other candidate has won? In the event of these unfortunate developments, remember not to concede defeat. Go post up outside a local landscaping business and let the world know that this election was compromised by faulty voting machines. Or illegal immigrants. Or the U.S. Postal Service. Or literally anything that will convince half the population to believe they’ve been robbed and (ideally) incite them to commence the unlawful occupation of government buildings.
Rule #4: Allow your vote to define your entire identity.
No matter who you are or what you do in all the other areas of your life, nothing can possibly transcend the importance of which box you decide to check on November 5. This choice must consume you. It must dictate the facts you choose to believe and how you perceive reality. It must determine who your friends are – and more importantly, who your enemies are. It must become the focal point around which all other aspects of your life revolve.
Throughout world history, we have repeatedly seen one overarching principle: tribalism is the key to societal flourishing. When an organized civilization draws sharp lines between its citizens and refuses to move them – or cross them – for any reason whatsoever, that’s when the positive changes really start to flow! So whether you express your identity by a flag in your yard, a sticker on your car, or a hat on your head, make sure that everyone knows who you are and what you stand for. This is what really matters.
Rule #5: Remember that voting is your only outlet for change.
One of the worst mistakes you can make in an election of this magnitude is to walk away from the polls with the faulty notion that there are other ways to contribute to the good of society in the 1,460 days before the next presidential election. It’s simply foolish to think that you can go home and help your country by being kind to your neighbors, or getting involved in your community, or supporting a charitable cause, or pursuing a productive career, or speaking up about injustice, or meeting a simple human need.
After all, there are only 330 million of us in this country, and even if we all tried to make a tangible difference in the world around us, it wouldn’t accomplish nearly as much as endlessly ranting and raving about whoever happens to be spending the next few years in the White House.
So cast that vote, get that sticker, and take a few moments to pat yourself on the back for fulfilling your duty as an American citizen. But then get right back to work doing the one and only thing your country needs you to do: wringing your hands about 2028.
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Drew Thomas Humphrey 